


The Jashinist Elf

by jashinist_feminist



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Elf on the Shelf, Jashinism, M/M, OOC, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 03:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16802659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jashinist_feminist/pseuds/jashinist_feminist
Summary: Kakuzu wants to do Elf on the Shelf for Fuu. Hidan’s not having any of it and replaces the elf with a Jashinist Elf.





	The Jashinist Elf

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the first fic of Jashfem's Christmas! I decided to make several different Christmas-themed oneshots for all my various pairings and aus, so that for all my different readers, there is something that everybody will like <3
> 
> And first up...it is kakuhida! They're first as they are my top otp after kisaita lol XD
> 
> This is a semi-canon au where Kakuzu and Hidan got sent to prison for killing people and adopted Fuu, I'm not sure if it makes sense, but its fluffy, its Christmassy, its festive, and i hope you guys like it!

“Why are we here?” complained Hidan, as Kakuzu slowly drove through the packed car park, his bloodshot green eyes scanning for a parking space.

“To get the Christmas shopping,” growled Kakuzu.

“But why are we bothering?” Hidan complained again. “I’m a Jashinist, and you hate Christmas because of the money-wasting, and don’t make me remind you of your Black Friday rant-”

“We’re here for Fuu!” barked Kakuzu, as he spotted a bay in a corner. He pushed against the gas pedal, and then shot into the bay, nearly colliding with the walls of the parking lot. He secured the car, and motioned for Hidan to get out.

Reluctantly, Hidan clamoured out and stomped over to the lift. He stabbed the button several times, and waited for Kakuzu to join him. They climbed in, and waited as the lift whirred them up to the shopping centre. Even inside of the lift, Hidan could sense the hoards of obnoxious annoying people waiting for him when he emerged. Already, he fought the itch to sacrifice them all, knowing that if he did, then Kakuzu would make him sleep on the scratchy IKEA sofa.

When they emerged, several people tried to climb in the lift before he and Kakuzu had even left. Hidan nearly kicked them in frustration, but one look at both his and Kakuzu’s fierce expression and the fact that they were holding hands was enough to force them to leap backwards.

Once in the shopping centre, they were immediately assaulted by the heat. Hidan felt his face flush, and fought the urge to go to nearest Starbucks to grab a cold Frappuccino, but then remembered it was Pumpkin Spice Latte season.

“Where are we going?” asked Hidan.

“The toy store,” decided Kakuzu.

Hidan’s face paled. “No…please…”

“Yes, we’re going there,” growled Kakuzu.

“Kakuzu, please!” begged Hidan, tugging Kakuzu’s arm. “It will be full of kids!”

“We’ve got stuff to get!” Kakuzu tugged Hidan back, and forced him to walk beside him.

The toy store blared through the whole shopping mall, and Hidan could hear it before he saw it. Loud Christmas tunes blasted down the hall, wind-up toys screeched and cackled, and the children teemed out of the place. They were screaming, crying, shrieking for the annoying noisy pieces of plastic.

Hidan shuddered. “Kuzu…don’t do this to me…please…”

“We’re doing this for Fuu,” hissed Kakuzu.

Hidan gulped, and then they stepped into the toy store.

The children screamed even louder. Hidan watched one particular evil-looking gremlin howl, red faced and sticky with drool down their chin. He shuddered, relieved that he and Kakuzu had adopted Fuu long after that age.

“Where can I find an Elf on the Shelf…where can I find an Elf on the Shelf…” muttered Kakuzu, as they ducked and wove around the maniac children running down the aisles.

“What is an Elf on the Shelf?” asked Hidan.

“It’s a Christmas tradition,” retorted Kakuzu.

Hidan stumbled, tripping over a stray teddy bear. He grabbed the racks of toys for support, nearly being attacked by several sets of Lego.

“Why couldn’t we just order it online?” he protested.

“Because Fuu would see it!”

“Why couldn’t we have it delivered when she’s at school?”

“Because it’s Elf on the Shelf, it starts on the 1st December, and we need it now!” insisted Kakuzu.

They waded further into the shop, narrowly avoiding Karen and Carol as they tussled over which of them could have the last copy of whatever video game their brats wanted. Kakuzu guided Hidan along, shaking his head at the prices on some of the toys.

They walked through an obnoxiously pink aisle.

“This…is for girls?” frowned Hidan.

“Apparently so,” Kakuzu shook his head.

Hidan stared at all the Barbies, thinking they had a shocking resemblance to Deidara. Suddenly, he had an idea, and grabbed two. “Which one do you think Fuu would like best then, daddy? The one who looks like a man in drag or the one who looks like a dominatrix?”

Kakuzu slammed his palm against his forehead. “She’s a tomboy you idiot!”

Hidan put both the barbies back on the shelf, deciding that if wanted to get a Christmas present for Deidara, then he knew where he would come. He followed Kakuzu to the back of the shop, where Kakuzu’s eyes suddenly went wide.

“There!” Kakuzu strode over, leant above Pam and Monica as they fought to try and snatch the last box. “Elf on the Shelf.”

Hidan looked at it through the see-through plastic window and sniffed. “What even is it?”

“Elf on the Shelf is a Christmas tradition,” explained Kakuzu. “On the first of December, the Elf arrives from the North Pole, to make sure that Fuu behaves herself in the run up to Christmas. He reports to Santa if she’s been good, and then at night, he gets up to mischief all around the house.”

“So basically…he’s a snitch,” stated Hidan.

“It’s magical,” argued Kakuzu. “Kids love it.”

“It’s not magical, it’s a creepy-ass plastic elf!” argued Hidan. He gestured to the elf with his hand. “I don’t think having a snitch spying in our house for twenty five days is going to be a good memory for Fuu.”

“Fuu wants it,” Kakuzu growled. “All of her friends have them. We’re getting it for her.”

“How come you’ll spend money on Fuu but none on me?” taunted Hidan. “Are you going soft, old man?”

“I have some coupon codes right here,” Kakuzu pulled out his wallet.

“You’re unbelievable,” Hidan shook his head.

“Now let’s go and pay,” Kakuzu grabbed Hidan, and dragged him to the aisle. At the aisle, which teemed to the back of the shop, Hidan waited for twenty minutes, shuffling his feet and groaning, before he spotted a familiar couple.

“Hey Kisame! Itachi!” he waved.

Both Kisame and Itachi glanced up from the giant shopping trolley packed with gifts.

“What are you two doing here?” asked Hidan.

“Christmas shopping for Shizuma,” replied Itachi. His dark eyes were soft. “It’s his first Christmas.”

“Aww,” said Hidan.

“He got his first shark baby teeth through the other day and he tried to bite me!” Kisame cooed. “It was adorable! It didn’t even hurt!”

“How lovely,” said Hidan.

“What’s that you’ve got there?” asked Itachi, gesturing to the box in Kakuzu’s hands.

“Elf on the Shelf,” said Kakuzu, showing it to them.

“Oh, that! I remember my mum buying one of those…and my dad saying he wanted to keep it in the house all year round,” said Itachi. “Mainly because of Shisui and _his_ antics…but Sasuke and I were traumatized.”

“See?” Hidan elbowed Kakuzu. “This is not a good memory for her!”

“Checkout number five please!” announced the till.

“See you later, Itachi, Kisame!” Hidan waved, as Kakuzu dragged him over.

Kakuzu handed over his wad of coupons, and purchased the Elf on the Shelf for much less than its recommended retail price. Hidan noticed the happy glint in Kakuzu’s eyes as he realised what a bargain he’d struck.

“Oi, Kuzu, I’m hungry,” Hidan complained, as soon as they got out.

“No, you’re not,” said Kakuzu.

“Yes I am,” protested Hidan. “Buy me lunch.”

“No.”

“Please!”

“No.”

Hidan dragged along after Kakuzu. “Where are we even going now?”

“To get Fuu a video game she can play with her friends!” scorned Kakuzu. “And not a hideous Barbie…”

Hidan hopped along after him. A video game sounded much more entertaining. With any luck, Kakuzu would pick an 18+ rated one with plenty of gore, and he could play it too. 

* * *

Later that evening, after Fuu went to bed, Kakuzu climbed up, and fetched the box with the elf in. He sat down at the IKEA table and chairs, and got to work. Hidan ignored him at first, instead snuggling under the blanket throw on the sofa, watching the television. Every channel had a Christmas advert on, or was showing a Christmas movie, so Hidan flicked through them disinterestedly.

If only Jashinism had such a holiday…Hidan could only imagine how awesome the Jashinmas movies would be, with mass sacrificial rituals, bloody battle scenes, death and destruction everywhere…

Instead, he settled on watching a documentary about a serial killer, deciding that would have to do.

Over on the table, Kakuzu hunched over, following the instructions to make a gingerbread house. Hidan glanced over and frowned. Kakuzu was behaving so strangely this festive season, that Hidan was half-convinced the old man was ill. He burrowed further under the covers, so only his nose poked out.

Then he heard a clatter, as Kakuzu attempted to untangle some fairy lights. There was tinsel spread around the table, the gingerbread house in the middle, and the Elf on the Shelf sat beside the gingerbread house.

He turned back to the television, and watched for another five minutes, until Kakuzu announced. “Done!”

Hidan climbed up, and wandered over. “What’s all this shit?”

Kakuzu glared at him. “This shit is Elf on the Shelf. Here he is.”

Out of the box, the Elf looked even more freaky, with a wide toothy grin and large round eyes that would give Itachi’s Sharingan and Pein’s Rinnegan a run for a money with how terrifying it was.

“And here’s his little house,” said Kakuzu, pointing to the gingerbread house he’d just finished icing. He pointed to the tinsel and the lights. “And here’s the snow.”

“It’s tinsel,” Hidan poked it.

“Don’t touch it!” ordered Kakuzu.

Hidan withdrew his hand. “What’s the elf called?”

“What’s it called?” repeated Kakuzu.

“Yeah, the elf,” said Hidan. “Can I call it Sasori?”

“No!”

“It’s short like he is! Please, let me call it Sasori!” begged Hidan.

“Sasori the Elf. _No_ ,” scolded Kakuzu. He climbed up, and flicked off the lights. He yawned and stretched. “Right, I’m going to bed. Are you coming?”

“I’m not tired,” said Hidan, curling back up on the sofa.

“Night Hidan,” Kakuzu bent down and kissed Hidan’s forehead. Hidan tugged him back down and gave him a proper kiss on the lips.

“Night Kuzu,” he yawned.

“Don’t be long now,” said Kakuzu, as his footsteps retreating up the stairs.

Hidan waited until he heard the creak of his and Kakuzu’s door close, before sitting upright. All day, he had been pretending that he didn’t care about Elf on the Shelf, but the truth was, he had been plotting it for weeks. They were a multi-religious household, and Hidan wanted his adopted daughter to have an appreciation for Jashinist culture, even if she didn’t practise it. Yet.

He climbed up, and opened the cupboard where he hid kept his scythe and pike and various other things that Kakuzu made him hide away to keep the house tidy, and pulled out _his_ elf.

His _Jashinist_ Elf.

The Jashinist Elf wore a black and white festive outfit, and instead of having an elves’ face, had a replica of Hidan’s face whilst in his ritual mode. The Jashinist Elf also had a miniature scythe attached to its back and held a pike in its hand.

Hidan wanted to laugh just by looking at it.

He’d commissioned Sasori to make it the moment Fuu started pestering them for Christmas presents last August, and kept banging on about Elf on the Shelf.

“You mate, you’re out of here,” said Hidan, picking up the Elf on the Shelf and throwing it across the room and down the back of the sofa. He heard it fall to the floor with a clunk. He sniggered, laying down the Jashinist Elf in its place. It looked even better now, as it sat grinning maniacally up at him.

“Next, the gingerbread house,” Hidan snickered to himself. “Because there’s no way my badass Jashinist Elf would be caught dead in one of these…pardon the pun!”

He stopped, to fight back shrieks of crazy laughter.

“I reckon I’m going to make it into a Jashinist church!”

Hidan grabbed Kakuzu’s leftover icing bag from the bin in the kitchen, and then drew on a Jashinist symbol on the roof. It dripped down, and then Hidan grabbed some red food dye, added it to the icing bag, shook it, before icing a pool of blood coming out the door of the gingerbread house.

“Look how much better that looks!” Hidan grinned.

He reached in his pocket, and then pulled out another figure that he’d commissioned Sasori to make.

“Here’s Fuu, come to join her favourite dad at the Jashinist church!” Hidan plonked down the Fuu elf next to him. Fuu’s elf also wore Jashinist style festive clothes to match Hidan’s, but she didn’t have any ritual markings on her since she wasn’t a fully fledged practising Jashinist. Yet.

He stepped back, admiring his handiwork.

Kakuzu was going to hate it. 

* * *

The next morning, Kakuzu opened the door to the living room, leading Fuu by the hand.

“Look, Fuu, look who’s here! It’s elves!” exclaimed Kakuzu.

He took one look at the display, at the vandalised gingerbread house and the replaced elf, and immediately glared at Hidan.

“What have you done?” he accused.

“Wow!” shrieked Fuu, rushing over to look.

“Where’s my Elf on the Shelf?” demanded Kakuzu. “ _Where is my Elf on the Shelf_?”

“It’s here!” beamed Hidan, pointing to the set-up.

“That is you!” scolded Kakuzu, jabbing a finger at the Jashinist Elf.

“Look how cool this is!” Fuu reached over and pulled off one of the marshmallows from the top of the gingerbread house and popping it in her mouth.

“No, Fuu, don’t eat those, they’re for decoration,” said Kakuzu.

Fuu picked up the Jashinist Elf.

“It’s dad!” she squealed delightedly.

“Awww, Kuzu, you hear that?” cooed Hidan. “It’s dad!”

Fuu laughed, looking at it.

“Stop laughing!” Kakuzu tried to frown, but failed miserably. “I’m not having this in my house for twenty-five days!”

“You like it, don’t you, Fuu?” asked Hidan, reaching over and ruffling Fuu’s green hair.

“Yes!” beamed Fuu. She picked up the Fuu figure.

“And who’s that?” asked Kakuzu.

“It’s me!” Fuu cried.

“Awww, how cute! She knows!” Hidan crooned. He grabbed the Jashinist Elf and waved it in Kakuzu’s face. “Go on, give it a kiss!”

“No!”

“Mwah!” Hidan shoved the Jashinist Elf against Kakuzu’s mouth.

Kakuzu groaned, but then looked down at Fuu’s delighted little smile. She seemed happy, and was laughing, and that was the main thing.

Fuu hadn’t had a family, she hadn’t had anyone who wanted her or cared about her, until Kakuzu and Hidan came along. Neither of them had wanted to adopt a kid, but then they’d been forced into a prison rehabilitation program, where they’d been paired up with local, unwanted kids to “teach them empathy,” and met Fuu. And Fuu simply decided they were going to “be her dads now.”

Together, they’d found each other, matched their broken pieces to one another’s, and they’d made a family, as dysfunctional and chaotic as having a money-grubbing bounty hunter and a homicidal religious zealot for parents could be.

“All right, fine, the Jashinist Elf can stay,” groaned Kakuzu. “Now let’s have some breakfast before you fuck up the advent calendars…”

**Author's Note:**

> Kakuzu will wake up in the night to find Hidan dangling the elf in his face XD


End file.
